


I Believe I Can (Fly) Float REALLY Hard

by MelonBee



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Demonstuck, Gift Fic, M/M, Magic, Major Character Injury, Skydiving, first fic, its a bird - Freeform, its a dumbass, its a plane
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:49:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28353465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MelonBee/pseuds/MelonBee
Summary: Jake jumps out of a plane wearing booty shorts. It causes problems and they just don't stop
Relationships: Jake English/Dirk Strider
Comments: 4
Kudos: 10





	I Believe I Can (Fly) Float REALLY Hard

**Author's Note:**

  * For [AcrylicMist](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AcrylicMist/gifts).



> Appears after months  
> Shovels garbage into the tag  
> Dips 
> 
> This based on AcrylicMist's Demonstuck. Go read that first :)
> 
> Merry Christmas Sis :)

No matter how many times he’s up this high, its always exhilarating. Seeing the world unrolled like a map at his feet. Feeling the cold air gently tug at his clothes, urging him to breathe more deeply, to inhale the excitement in the air around him, adrenaline like pop rocks in his blood. 

It’s tinged with a bit of nervous, helpless anxiety, as always, from the other 4 divers in the plane with him. This is his own countless dive, but the tinge in the air affects him nonetheless. Heightened emotions are always contagious, and he breathes deep of them, something relaxing inside him. 

There is no instructor. Just the 5 of them and the pilot and the other 4 are shoveling supplies out of the plane as timely as they can. The tents and fuel and supplies are held in large crates with their own parachutes. Once the two boxes have deployed, its their turn to take the leap. 

They’ll hike their way across the Georgian steppes until they hit the Ural sea, camping on the high plains and monitoring the wild sheep populations on their way across the mountainous sweeping grasslands. Jake’s been looing forward to this expedition for weeks, though Dirk didn’t understand the appeal. He just said to take lots of pictures, including one of himself flipping off the sheep to send to him as proof of life.

Hal said to send him a pic of the sheep fucking and Jake had swatted him on the top of head with a rolled up newspaper like a naughty puppy and joked about him still needing to learn how to act in polite company, which had caused everyone in the room to snort. 

Jake helped Marv throw the last of the supplies overboard and they watched it spin and twirl in the slipstream before the chute extended, leaving it the last in a short trail of camping gear floating in a line to a ground the color of spun dust. 

Gavin was timing their dive so they’d land in the drop zone and avoid the huge rocks that littered the rugged landscape. He held one arm up in a slicing motion as he counted down on his fingers. 

“3….2…..1….DIVE DIVE DIVE fucking GO!” he brought his arm down in a chopping motion and they fell out laughing in exhilaration and fear. Jake watched them plummet in turn, some taking running leaps, Ringo doing a flip, and Gavin just stepped out into empty space.

Jake always went last, just in case, but he made a run for it, cackling in glee, throwing himself joyfully into the clutches of the cold sky, tumbling down towards his compatriots before stabilizing his fall with his arms and legs. The pull tag of his parachute was in easy reach and his stomach flopped around in the zero Gs, a sensation he didn’t think he’d ever stop chasing. Only one thing compared, and Jake had never managed to get him in a freefall. 

They wheeled through the sky, following the two crates of everything they’d need to survive to the ground. They got to the drop zone and Gavin signaled the time to pull the chutes by ripping his into life with a savage pull. 

Jake quickly yanked his cord and felt the chute billow out behind him like a wing before the yank signaled it had caught air. 3 more colorful balloons popped into exitance around him. He whooped with the others in joy before the terror hit him, the desperate fear pulling at something ugly inside him and the number of parachutes suddenly didn’t make sense to him anymore. Shouldn’t there be 4?

He quickly located the source of the dread. Kevin was still falling, sawing desperately at his pull tag. Something was wrong; his chute was jammed; it wasn’t deploying.  
He was still falling. 

Jake didn’t even think. Everyone was yelling and he started to shimmy out of his own harness, just as desperate to get out of his chute as Kevin was to get in his own. He slipped free into a free fall of his own before he could really consider how bad of a plan this was. If he survived this, Dirk was going to kill him. 

Gravity took hold again mercilessly, but he didn’t really pay as much attention to gravity as most people should. He angled his body towards Kev and shed his glamour as he went, steering himself through the crown of yelling divers, a neon green eye bleed shooting his unsteady way to Kevin. The problem was he couldn’t really fly, not really, not like he needed to to pull this off. But he managed to reach Kevin and grab hold of the terrified man just as the horizon spread out like a broken yolk. As they plummet towards the ground, Jake threw on the brakes, trying to float as hard as he could, hoping he could cancel their momentum enough to avoid splatting into putty on the tufted ground. 

Kevin clutched at the Trickster in a death grip, perhaps not realizing that something was different about Jake. The ground was so close Jake could make out individual strands of grass. As a last trick, he threw Kevin’s body away from him as hard as he can, throwing him back up towards the sky with his considerable strength in the second before they hit, floating as hard as he could. 

He hit hard enough to bounce, or maybe that was just his floating kicking in again. Feet first, then knees, then he slammed down on his side before he finally stopped moving. The pain was immediately sharp and dull all at once. Maybe he was in shock? He groaned and then saw his kneecap turned towards the wrong side and groaned again, this time with feeling. It hurt to groan. Maybe he’d cracked some ribs as well.

He rolled onto his side to see Kevin sitting up a few feet from where he’d landed, looking whole, looking alive, but also looking at him in horror. Jake belatedly realized he wasn’t wearing his glamour and yanked his human face back down as fast as he could. But it was too late.

“You’re a demon!” Kevin said. “Oh my God, a demon.”

Jake tried to access how badly he was screwed. He didn’t think he could walk and he had ousted himself in the middle of the Georgian steppes with no way out. Fear started creeping through the shock, worse than the pain. A thousand scenarios ran through his mind, where they all led to him being stomped to death like a bug and then blaming his squished corpse on a diving accident. But Dirk would know. He would know. 

Ringo touched down already running over to them, his chute deflating on the ground like a dead loon, improbably orange. Warning orange, like the stupid anime swirls on Jake’s cheeks. “What the fuck happened?” He’s yelling, “Are y’all okay? Kev, what the Fuck? How’d Jake do that?”

Any hope that perhaps the others hadn’t noticed quickly died when Marv landed looking furious. “I saw him! I saw him as he flew fucking by! Toxic fucking demon!”

The others had landed in time to hear that last bit. Gavin said, “What the fuck,” and Kevin said, “He saved me man, he fucking saved me. My chute wouldn’t open; I was going to die. He caught me. Saved my life.”

Jake drug himself up to a sitting position, stretching his fucked-up leg out to one side when it wouldn’t listen to his numb brain. He tried to talk himself out of this, “Oi, mate, you okay?” he said, thinking maybe if he ignored the problem it would go away. 

Kev just stared at him, wide eyed. Marv was angry, pointing a stiff finger at him and screaming about him being a demon. The problem kept not going away.  
He tried to sit up fully and felt the black spots start to erase his vision and he sank back down in a panic, knowing if he passed out he’d lose his glamor again and that might be enough to set them off into violence. He might not wake up. He focused on breathing for a minute.

Gavin interrupted his almost hysterics, older and calmer than them all by far. “Jake, you slipped your chute, but you’re both alive. Marv is telling me you’re a demon but Kevin is telling me you saved him. Can you help me understand what exactly is happening here?”

“His….” It is absurdly difficult to make words go. “His, Kev’s chute didn’t open, I thought I could save him.”

“He did,” Kev interjects, rubbing his own knees, which made everyone else realize that Jake was fucked in the leg. Ringo hissed through his teeth, “Dude, your knee is fucked up. Gav, he’s hurt bad.”

Marv starts to yell some more but Gavin cuts him off. “Yes, you saved him. What else?”

He couldn’t say it. 22 years of not saying it and he wasn’t about to stop now. Let him die with that still. 

When he didn’t deny it Gavin read the stubborn hopeless determination on his face. He scrubbed at the scruff on his jaw and sighed. He just sighed. 

“This whole time?” Ringo asked, shocked. It was a dumb question, of course, but Jake had known the guy for years, had gone on multiple excursions with the Australian bloke. There were few he was as close to. 

Jake looked at the blood starting to ooze its slow way to the surface from the scrapes down his shins, exposed by the short cargo hiking shorts he was wearing. He nodded mutely. 

Ringo looked hurt but Kevin pulled himself up to standing. He patted himself down to make sure but said, “I don’t care what the fuck-off color he bloody is. He’s all right with me.”

Marv just started yelling about how he’s been lying for years, how he wasn’t really their friend, was just using them, all the worst things he’s imagined people saying to him all these years when he slept in a tent with the zipper zip tied shut so he could drop his glamour every now and then to relax the strain of the magic that gave him migraines if he held it too long. 

“Shut the hell up,” Gavin told him. “Just what the fuck do you want to do about it, huh? Kill the guy? Jesus Christ, grow the hell up.”

“Jeez, guys, he’s bleeding bad,” Ringo said. “We should help him.”

“Can you walk?” Gavin asked and Jake thought about it and almost passed out again. He was in the middle of nowhere, seriously injured, and his cover was blown. They didn’t seem like they were about to actively beat him to death, but that could change in a heartbeat. 

“Err…..” he said thickly. “That’d be a solid no, mate. I think my kneecaps looking at me. My boyfriend’s going to be pissed.” He mentioned Dirk because Ringo knew him, if only in passing. Maybe it would humanize him, remind him that people would notice if he went missing. 

Ringo took the bait. “Dirk, man? Does Dirk know?”

“Of course Dirk knows, mate. It’d be bloody awkward if he didn’t, just right skeevy of me. He’s always known, even before we started dating.” 

“He a bleeding demon too?” Marv wanted to know.

Jake was even more afraid. “No, man, Dirk’s human, I swear. He’s harmless.”

Gavin must have heard the fear there because he said, “Jesus, come off it, Marv. Go unload the crates. See if there’s anything in there useful.”

Marv went grumbling. 

Kev was squinting at his knee. “Yeah, that’s rightly buggered. No hospitals out here either. But you can fly, right? That’s what that bit was earlier?”

Jake shook his head. “I can’t fly. Maybe just float a bit. That stunt should have killed us both, come to think of it.” Hal will never let me live this down, he thought, if there was even anything left after Dirk and his mom got ahold of him. 

Wait. His mom!

“I..” he swallowed, nauseous through the pain and fear, “I need my phone. My mom can send someone to get me.”

He knew it didn’t seem possible, but Gavin nodded. “Marv,” he called, “see if you can find his sat phone. Ringo, Kev, set up camp. Were not going anywhere today.”  
They went haltingly, still looking at Jake, but they went. 

Jake looked at his expedition leader. Old enough to be his dad, maybe, salt just starting to creep in his beard, not a lot of long expeditions like this left in him.  
“Who else knows, Jake?” he asks.

He felt it was best to be honest since they hadn’t killed him yet. “Just my family. No one else.” He forgot as soon as he said it that technically both a Sedim demon in Louisiana and a lawyer knew as well. Whoops. “If people knew….” He trailed off.

Gavin sighed again. “Yeah,” he agreed. “I get it, kid. You’re all right with me. I’ll try to keep the others off your case, but you know Marv. Guys a bit of a bigot, I’m guessing.”

Jake laughed weakly from the relief of it. 

“Trickster, I’m guessing? Unless you’re something weird I’ve never heard of before. I saw a bit of you when you went by, but I could be wrong.”

It felt like less of a concession if he’d guessed so he nodded weakly. “Don’t tell the others. I don’t want them to freak out.” To freak out at knowing he was one of the more powerful demons around, when all of the supposed power just translated into glamour magic and a bit of floating. Useless, really. 

He whistled softly. “Yeah, man, I bet.”

Ringo came over with his sat phone in hand. “Full charge” he said, “and Kevin’s digging out the first aid kit.”

That wouldn’t do fuck all for this, but Jake nodded in gratitude anyway, gratefully taking the sat phone in his grip. He flipped the antenna out and watched the screen pull up. 

He did some quick thinking on who to call and how to explain this. He knew his mom would pick up but he needed exact coordinates to give her and for that he needed Hal to hack the sat phone’s signal. But Hal would never pick up and he wasn’t sure he even had his number. 

He dialed Dirk’s number and waited while Kevin came back with the kit. 

It rang and rang until finally Dirk picked up in a huff. “Dude, it’s been three days. I miss you too but damn, I haven’t even gotten any pictures of you flipping off innocent sheep yet.”

The relief flooded through him so thick he almost felt like passing out again. It was so good to hear his voice. “Ello, Dirk, mate, I’m in a bit of a bind here. There was a bit of a situation that turned sideways on me, and I’m afraid I’ve outed myself, mate. I’ve also buggered my knee pretty badly. I think I’d appreciate a lift greatly.”

He said the next words very carefully. “I think your brother can find my location and get mom to send the Witch of the West to pick me up. She owes her a favor, I think.”

There was a heartbeat of shocked silence before Dirk said flatly into the phone. “They know?”

“Yes, mate. Cats out of the bag up here.”

“Are you in danger?”

“Up in the air at the moment, love. You know how it goes.”

He heard monotone cursing on the other line and then Dirk was yelling for Hal. “Got it,” he heard Hal’s voice, less snide than usual, through the line. “Give me a minute, keep him on the line.”

“Stay on the line, Jake. Keep talking to me. What happened? Can you talk?”

There was no emotion in Dirk’s voice. That was never a good sign. “We were dropping onto the landing zone when a mate of mine had some troubles with his ‘chute. I helped him out and it… well, I showed quite a bit of myself I’m afraid. And not in a sexy way, love.”

“What’s he saying,” Ringo asked. “What’s this about a witch?”

“Are they still there?” Dirk asked, hearing him through the phone. “Can they hear us? Did they find you?”

“Dirk, love, they can hear us.”

There was a silence. “Give them the phone.”

Jake hesitated. “You sure, mate?”

“Yes.”

He handed the phone to Gavin. “He wants to talk to you.”

Gavin took the phone looking consternated. “Hello?” 

Jake could hear a bit of Dirk still, thanks to his demon hearing. Of course, he was threatening them, his voice hard and biting. “If you touch him, I’ll ruin your god damn life. I swear to god I will take you the fuck down if you hurt him.”

Gavin didn’t even blink. “Calm down, kid, we’re trying to help his dumb ass. Your boyfriend thinks he can skydive without a parachute.”

There was the sound of Dirk having a silent aneurysm over the phone. Jake was well familiar with the sound it should make but didn’t when it was Dirk. 

Then he said, “He’s harmless, I swear. He’s never hurt anyone in his life. He wouldn’t ever. He’s a good guy. Just don’t hurt him, please.”

That please hurt Jake almost as much as hitting the ground did. 

“Got it.” He heard Hal in the background. “Found him.”

“Okay,” Dirk said. “Give him the phone back.”

Gavin held it out to Jake. “He seems nice.”

Jake snorted weakly. “He grows on you.”

“Like a fungus,” Hal shouted in the background to be heard.

There was a crash as Dirk threw something at him. “Jake? You there? We found your coordinates, I have to hang up to call Jade, but I’m sending her to you as soon as possible, okay? I’ll tell her the charades, don’t worry. We wont fuck this up for you.”

Pain kept his words short. “Ight, mate. Splendid.”

“Love you, Jake.” Dirk whispered into the phone. 

“Love you back, mate. See you soon.”

Dirk hung up. Jake didn’t want to imagine how the phone call to his mom was going. He could almost feel her worry from around the world. 

He put the phone down and looked at the others. “Dirk’s going to call my mum. She knows the Witch of the West and she owes her a favor. She has portal magic. She’s going to pick me up in a jiffy.”

He wasn’t letting them know that Jade was his mom because even though magicians were human some people saw that as iffy territory and he didn’t want to incite anything. 

“Your mom--is she?” Kevin asked hesitantly.

Jake shook his head. “No. My mum’s human. I’m adopted. Long story short, she took me in as a wee babe. I’ve never known anyone else.”  
This was more of his past than he was used to sharing and maybe blood loss was making him woozy, but the world was tilting oddly around him, pitching forward and wheeling away in drunken, prissy jolts. He kept trying to pass out. Can’t have that. He laid back down on the cool ground. 

...

As soon as Dirk hung up the phone he dialed Jade’s number as fast as he could. She wasn’t in the house, he was sure. Hal had his own phone out and was dialing when she didn’t pick up on the first ring. 

“Who’s in the house?” He snapped at Hal. “Who are you calling?”

“D is upstairs and I think Dave’s passed out in the guest room. And I’m calling in a pizza. I’m feeling peckish.”

Dirk thought about killing him. He thought about how bringing him to life and giving him a body was only ever worth it because now he could kill him more conclusively than he could before when he was just a server. He said as much out loud. 

“Harsh, much?” Hal snorted. “You’re bossy when you're upset.”

Dirk got up either to hit him or to leave to go find D when someone picked up Hal’s call. He shot a triumphant look to Dirk and then answered, “Oh, hey, D, can you get ahold of Jade? Its an emergency. Jake’s in trouble,”

Dirk wrestled the phone away from him. “Jake’s been outed and he’s hurt real bad stuck in the middle of fuck off Georgia. We need Jade to pick him up. Hal has the coordinates.”

D swore. This was one of his nightmares, Dirk supposed, having another kid of his go missing. 

He appeared at the top of the stairs. “What? The Fuck is happening?” D swore and flash stepped down the stairs so fast he blurred. 

“Where’s Jade? She won’t pick up her phone.” Dirk said. The situation felt like it was spiraling out of control to him. “Hal, don’t you have a program to make phones ring even if they’re turned off?”

“Fuck you, I do,” Hal said brightly and tapped at Dirk’s own computer smugly before he said, “try now, call her back again now”

Dirk pressed redial so hard he worried the phone might bust. 

She answered in a huff. “Dirk, what’s going on? What did you do to my phone?”

“It’s Jake, he’s in trouble. We need you to get him from Georgia. There was an accident and people know. Hal had his coordinates.”

Jade shrieked and Dirk dropped the phone as green fire erupted in the middle of the room and Jade appeared, still shrieking. 

The door at the top of the stairs flew open as Dave appeared, shades crammed askew on his face, nap lines on his arms and his hair all flat on one side. He was wearing one of his uncle’s hideous ironic shirts, this one with a taco full of spaghetti and a unicorn and something he thought was Russian for kiss the chef. “Hey yo, what the FUCK,” he hollered. 

D hugged Jade as Dave came down the stairs.

“Jake’s fucked up,” Hal said, “He’s stuck on the steppes of fuckoff nowhere after jumping out of a plane with no parachute in front of his human buddies.”

After that disingenuous cluster, Dirk stepped in and said, “We have his coordinates. We don’t know how bad it is, but they definitely know. I spoke to one and he seemed cool enough but there’s others and Jake sounds scared. He’s also hurt his leg pretty badly. I don’t think he can walk.”

“This is as accurate as I can get his location.” Hal said and handed her a piece pf paper he ripped from Dirk’s calendar. 

“How accurate is it?” D asked.

“Enough.” Jade decided. “It might take me a while to find his exact location, but this should get me close enough to start looking.”

“I’m coming with you,” Dirk said immediately. 

“No,” D said. “I’ll go. I can carry him if I need to and if things go downhill….”

“No,” Dirk said, “Jade, you need to act like you’re not his mom. They can’t know how y’all are connected. You’re just the Witch of the West Coast, and you’re just doing a favor. And D’s almost a celebrity. They’d connect him back to you, and there’s also the fact that he’s publicly out as a fucking incubus as well.”

“What the fuck can you do if things get bad?” Hal challenged. “Can you even carry his dumb ass?”

Dave said, “I’ll go. Nobody knows who I am.”

There was a heartbeat of silence.

“That’s….actually smart.” Hal said, sounding like he was chewing glass. 

“Bring him back here,” D said. “I’ll get the upstairs table cleared off and the med kit ready.” He kissed Jade quickly on the lips before stepping away.  
“Ready?” asked Jade, grabbing ahold of Dave’s hand and squeezing the paper with the coordinates with the other. 

Dave fixed his shades and his face was steady. He took Hal’s slides and crammed them onto his bare feet. He nodded to Jade and they both disappeared in a green flash.

...

They came out on the side of a wide, rocky cliff/mountain thing. A sheep bleated at them in alarm. Dave flicked it off automatically, already scanning for people.

“I don’t see anything,” Jade said worriedly. “Just grass. And sheep?”

“I think they’re goats.” Dave said. “I can’t see them either.” Jade bounced them to the bottom of the cliff and then around a few more times. The area the coordinates covered was just so big. 

Dave got a flash of……Dirk. EW. “Wait,” he said before Jade flashed them away again, “I think I feel…. Gross man, that’s my cousin. I’m never gonna unsee this,” he groaned. 

“Can you find him?” Jade asked excitedly.

“I think so. I don’t think he’s dying, if he’s horny.” He hesitated. “I could move faster if….”

“Yes!” She said. Jade fished out a coin from her pocket and dropped it in his hand. “It’s for tracking. I can find you now. Get to him. I’ll follow.”

Dave nodded and sprinted away, really pouring on the demon speed, frightening the stupid goat things and flash stepping around the windy steppes in a tee too thin for the chill and a pair of Karkat’s pajama pants that were massive highwaters on him. And Hal’s slide on sandals, which just made flash stepping all that harder, following the scant flashes of sexy thoughts that Jake was dwelling on in the face of death. He wanted to boil his eyeballs in apple juice at that. But it just kept being a thing. So he kept following it. 

He saw them. Four dudes in windbreakers. Another on the ground. Not moving. 

He tore into the middle of the midst in a blur. Fuck his own secret, these dweebs didn’t know him from Adam. Unless they were fans of underground DC EDM. And almost no one was fans of underground mob run DC EDM sadly enough. He flash stepped right over to Jake, checking that he was alive even though he was bleeding in odd places and his knee was a nasty stain. 

“Dude,” Dave said. “You’ve fucked it good now, man. Not cool.”

...

Jake was wondering in a woozy way what was taking Jade so long to find him, thinking about how mad Dirk was going to be, how thin his lips could go when he was angry, how much work it was to kiss them open again after they’d reached that point. 

And that’s when he saw…..Dave? Oh, Dave! Oh no, Dave. He scrambled to erase his thoughts. 

Dave blurred over to him. He forgot how fast the guy could move. “Not cool, man.” Dave said, “I found you, now cut that shit out. I’m going to need therapy after that. Or entirely new eyes. Why did you feel the need to scar me with that memory? Like I don’t have enough bullshit to live with and you want my shit brain to have that? Fuck you, man, totally not cool.”

He’s still ranting and Jake’s expedition buddies have recoiled at the sudden unexpected appearance of Dave in their midst. Of a Dave flaunting his demonic speed, with power Jake could sense inside him like a storm on the air. Marv was yelling again. Figures. 

“Who?” Gavin askes politely, “are you? Are you the Witch of the West?”

Dave snorts and draws himself up to his full height. It dawns on Jake that he’s wearing Pyjamas, “Fuck no, I’m just the bodyguard.” He grins ferally for a second, the weak sun flashing off his shades like one of Dirk’s beloved anime soaps. 

That shuts Marv up at the thought of what was powerful enough to protect a witch. 

“She sent me ahead to find you, but I’ve got a tracking coin.” He danced it across his knuckles in a cool move Jake was instantly admirable and jealous of, even if it made him look like a cartoon pirate. In his fake ironic shirt and Hal’s slippers. “She’ll be in any second. Now what the fuck is this I hear about you jumping your ass out of airplanes?”

Jake related the tale in short words. Quickly. It actually was a short story, all things considered. 

Dave poked at his leg, trying to keep him conscious, keep him talking. “Yeah, you’re not moving that. I can carry you, man”

“Thanks rightly, chap. Much obliged.”

Jade took that as her grand entrance, casting a circle of green flames as tall as she was before stepping next to the others, who looked even more shocked by the fire and the human who stepped out of it than they had at the white haired demon. 

Jake saw his mom take a moment to collect herself into her work persona before she turned to him. His heart squeezed painfully. “Hey m…Jade. Mrs. Witch ma’am.” 

Dave coughed. “He’s out of it.” He said to Jade. “I think he may have hit his head. Unless he’s just naturally this dumb.”

“Are you okay?” she asked softly, looking at his leg and the cuts and scrapes covering him where it looked like he’d been dragged behind a horse for miles. 

“Yeah,” he answered, just as soft. “Busted my led right good, and maybe some ribs as well. A little banged up, all things considered.”

Dave swallowed ostentatiously. He was so tall and skinny it was a whole show. “Okay,” he said to the assembled questers. “It’s my understanding that Jake saved one of your asses. I’d appreciate it if y’all returned the favor by not publicly outing him. His boyfriend may just ruin your lives if you do.”

They just stared at him. “Up you get,” he said to Jake. “I’m going to lift your dumb ass now. Why the fuck are you wearing booty shorts and a windbreaker? Aren’t you cold? Did you really float around here with your whole ass hanging out, you himbo? Is this even legal in this country?”

He gently picked Jake up and his ribs were most definitely broken. “Wait” Jake gasped. “My laptop.”

“Fuck your laptop.” Dave said. And then “Oh. Your laptop.” 

But he didn’t want to put Jake back down and he also looked like he was about to pass out, which Dave took as a bad idea. “Don’t pass out.” He warned.

Jake was trying his hardest. But he was also trying his hardest to breathe and that wasn’t working right either. 

“I’ll be in touch,” Jade said quietly and placed a hand on each of them and flashed them back to her kitchen. 

D was there by the table with Hal, who had the med kit open and was rummaging through it. It was a ridiculously extensive med kit. Maybe even hospital grade. Figures.  
“Oooohhhhh” Hal winced when he saw him and then poked at his displaced kneecap, causing Jake to promptly white out from the pain. He slumped in Dave’s arms and his glamour bled away to reveal neon, toxic green and moldy orange. 

“Did Jake just fucking die?” Hal asked loudly. 

Dirk howled in rage from the top of the basement stairs, where it looks like Hal had locked the door and barricaded it with a piano. 

“He’s unconscious,” Dave answered and gently sat the Trickster down on the table. “Be quick, its best to doctor his knee while he’s out like this, anyway. Less painful for it.”

D set about fusing over him and Hal helped. “Watch his ribs,” Jade said worriedly. 

“Jade,” Dave said, “I need you to send me back. I’ve got to get his stuff. We can’t have them getting into his computer. Or his camera, or any of his youtuber shit. “  
She bit her lip. “Got the coin still?”

“Yeah. Give me about 20 minutes. It looked like they hadn’t even unpacked anything yet.”

Jade opened a portal and he stepped through the green flames with a weird feeling. He appeared back in front of the startled skydivers. Hikers. Whatever. Nerds. They looked like they were in the middle of an argument. 

“Hi again,” he said. “Remember me? From like a minute ago? I’m here for Jake’s things.” He considered. “Y’all can have, like, the food and stuff. Camping supplies. But I want his laptop, camera, YouTube things. Personal shit. Did he have like, a purse or something?”

They just looked at him. Again.

“Hey, sorry for coming down all hard on y’all like an eater of souls or some shit,” he pointed at the Russian on his shirt with a wink, “but we were just worried about him. I was half afraid we were gonna get here too late and found out that y’all’d kicked him to death or something. I’ve seen it happen before.” He said slowly. “It would destroy them if it happened to Jake. He’s a good guy. Truly. Harmless. A dumb ass, yes, who the fuck ditches their parachute mid skydive? No one with the brains god gave a rock.”

Still just looking.

“Listen,” he said. “I’m sure y’all are good guys too. Thank you, sincerely, for not straight up murdering him. But I gotta try to mitigate the fallout of this. You can still ruin his life and his career. I’m just trying to protect him as best I can. “

“And this job is everything to him,” he continued. “If he lost that, traveling would get so much harder for him. And he needs that traveling. And if everyone knew, he’d never be safe. He couldn’t walk down the street without someone trying to get him. I’ve seen his kind killed for less.”

Dave remembered the Trickster that had been with them in hell. She hadn’t made it out. It was really important to him to wring some kind of promise out of these people. For Jake’s safety. To protect him as best he could.

“If you’re just going to out him publicly on your channels or something, it was almost better if you killed him here and had nobody know, than if you tell and give everyone a chance to try.” He said seriously. 

“I won’t say anything,” one of the guys said. “He saved my life. I owe him.”

“Thank you.” Dave said, and turned his attention to the rest. 

His shielded stare was unnerving them, he could tell. Nice. “Me either,” said the Australian kid. “I’ve known him for years. I don’t think this changes anything. Except now I know why I once caught him drinking maple syrup out of the bottle. He packs a bottle in his bags, you know. There’s probably some in there,” he nodded at a crate. 

“HA,” Dave said. “What the actual fuck. I can never let him live this down. That’s gross man. An affront to fucking pancakes. What about you?” He asked the older guy. Weird to see a dad age guy without a dad age bod. Whatever. 

“I won’t do anything.” He said. “I’ve already got us plane tickets to Madagascar next month. Those aren’t refundable, either. So he better get his leg fixed before then. He’s talked about the forbidden city for years.”

“Yeah, lemurs and shit man. Won’t shut the hell up about it. Appreciate it.” He nodded and turned to the last guy, the angry one, the one who’d been doing all the shouting when he’d first ran in. 

“Are you threatening me?” he asked angrily. “I know what demon kind can do to people. Lost an aunt when I was a boy to them. Never forgot it.”

Yike on a Bike. “I’m sorry for that.” Dave said sincerely. “But that’s what every demon faces. It’s worse for Jake, because he can pass as human, even. If people find out, he’s dead for sure.” 

Unlikely really, the family could protect him. But he’d be miserable stuck in the house all day. “And it’s not a threat. Dirk would hack you to within an inch of your life, that’s a threat for sure, he can probably ruin your careers somehow. I wouldn’t put it past him. But I’m just gonna get his things and go, regardless. I’m not here for more trouble.”

“I’ve seen enough trouble to know I’ve had my fill.” And he just stood there in his scavenged outfit from three separate people, cold, and let them believe him. He thought about how he’d describe their faces to Karkat, how this guy was angry, but he was really just afraid, and how the legislation that his family was working on could really help at educating people about demon kind. So hopefully everyone would be as benevolent as the other three guys. Statistically, this was a big win, even. 

“He stays away from me,” the guy says. “And I keep my mouth shut. Nobody’d believe me anyway. But he’s not wanted in my social circle. I don’t want anything sucking at my soul.”

Dave snorted. “That’s not how any of that works, dumbass. But it you’re giving up your friendship with him, I’ll let him know. He won’t contact you.” Good riddance, he thought. Marie Kondo this bastard out of your life for good. Snip snip. 

The Australian came over with a backpack. “This is Jake’s. It’s got his laptop and camera in it. His go pro and other electronics should be in it to. And most of his personal belongings. If I find anything else, I’ll mail to him.”

Dave nodded and dug through the bag just to check for bugs or bombs or some shit. “You’ve gotta be kidding me.” He pulled out the bottle of syrup. “I’m losing my goddam mind. I can’t wait to show Dirk. He’ll kill him himself for this level of dumbassery. You said you caught him slurping this? And you thought that was normal? Oh my god. My teeth hurt at the thought.” He shoved it deep down inside the bag. It looked like Jake things in there, at least. From what he guessed Jake things to look like. British. Khaki. Suspiciously stupid. Close enough. 

“Thank you for this.” He said. “Awkward thing, I’m actually stuck here until Jade swings by to pick me up. Should be any minute though. Y’all can just…..pretend I’m not here. Go look at the stupid goats or something.”

The other guy spoke up, “Goats? Do you mean sheep? Where’d you find them?”

Dave considered then pointed. “Other side of that big fuck off rock thing. And maybe sheep? They had crazy horns though. Real headgear type deal.” He mimicked the devilish curves. 

Jade flashed in then. She looked around at the group. “Thank you for calling me. If there’s anything I can help you with, as the Witch of the West Coast, I’ll try my hardest for you.”

“Will he be okay?” The one who he’d saved asked meekly. 

“He’ll heal,” Jade said, hesitantly, looking at Dave. “He should wake up soon.”

“He’ll be fine,” Dave assured her. “These are good guys. He’s got himself some real friends out here. Now take me back. I’m cold and this whole place smells like goat shit. I’m never going camping. Fuck nature.”

Jade flashed them back just in time for Jake to wake up. His glamour was still gone and he floated dizzily a few inches off the table before he blinked groggily at them. When he woke up fully he slammed his glamour back on himself so fast he forgot he had been floating but D was fast enough to stuff a ……couch cushion? Where the fuck did he pull this shit from? Underneath him before he could fall back on the table and rebust his bandaged ribs. 

“Jesus, kid, could you stop falling onto hard thigs?” D said. “You’re giving me gray hair.”

Hal sniggered and Jade hugged him. 

Jake sat up gingerly. Dave sat the backpack down at his feet. “I’ve got your stuff and they won’t talk. You’re down a bitch friend though, but fuck that guy. And the old man still wants to go to Madagascar with you in May, so. Get to walking before then. Also: your fucking stash. I think we need to have a serious talk about addiction. And diabetes.”

“Thanks, mate.” Jake said and finished looking around. “Where’s Dirk?”

“Oh, we had to lock him in the basement like a goblin,” Hal said gleefully. “He would have hovered so bad I wouldn’t have been able to work.” 

Jade sighed at him and snapped her fingers, causing the piano to jump through space away from the door. 

Dirk rounded out of it with murder on his face until he saw Jake upright and covered in bandages and then it went curiously blank. Not a good sign. His lips thinned almost to the point of no return. 

Dave groaned at the thought and scrubbed at his face with both hands. “Jake, buddy, pal, amigo, friend. Don’t make me knock your ass out again. I’ve had it up to here with your bullshit today.”

Hal looked like Christmas had come as he put that together. 

“The Vantases are on their way. Rose wanted to come home as soon as she heard.” D said and Dave immediately proved himself to be a hypocrite in the thoughts department at the implied mention of imminent Karkat. He was pretty sure D rolled his eyes at him from behind his own shades but he wasn’t sure. 

Jake just gingerly accepted a hug from Dirk, thinking about how his voice had sounded on the please, how he’d whispered that he loved him like it was the last chance he was ever going to get. 

“Sorry, mate.” He whispered. “Love you.”

“Bastard. You don’t get out of it that easy.” He squeezed his hands in his own, like he was grounding them both. “Love you back.”

**Author's Note:**

> This is AcrylicMist's fault. She drug me kicking and screaming into fandom. Go yell at her, and read her fic. I will be posting more, because she got me hooked, and now its taking over my life haha


End file.
